My First Edited Scene: Transformation and a Teaser

I just finished editing the hook and first scene of Legends of Light. The verdict? I loved it! I have a way better hook now, and it came out great! The first few sentences went from this:

Crack! A twig snapped under the black-robed man's feet as he stepped through the dense thicket of pine trees. As distasteful as it was, especially for royalty, it had to be traversed for the common good of the population.

To this:

All was quiet as the black-robed man silently flitted through the woods. To most, he was a mysterious enigma. Nobody knew who he was, but he was a man on a mission, and an urgent one, at that.

Doesn't that make you more interested? Now that the scene is done, it looks completely transformed. My prediction that it would come out looking like a complete rewrite seems to be fairly accurate. Since it's done, I've decided to give you the whole scene as a teaser. It ends in a cliffhanger. You have been warned.

All was quiet as the black-robed man silently flitted through the woods. To most, he was a mysterious enigma. Nobody knew who he was, but he was a man on a mission, and an urgent one, at that.

Upon reaching a small clearing, he halted and drew a beautifully engraved sword, holding his breath and peering through the dark thicket. To his satisfaction, there was nothing there but softly rustling pine branches and ghostly moving shadows. He let out a long, slow sigh of relief, sheathed it once more, and strode toward the clearing’s center. As dawn began creeping over the wispy clouds on the horizon, he checked his watch. Although definitely a strange contraption, it often came in handy.  Apparently those naïve earth-dwellers were good for some things. Six o’clock in the morning, he thought with a smile. Perfect.

“Audite in alio seculo magistrum,” he whispered. The foreign words seemed to hang in the air like a magical incantation. After nervously glancing at his watch once more, he gritted his teeth and began to pace. How much longer will this take? He glanced around, relieved that it was still mostly dark. I can’t wait forever. Soon, people will arrive, and I can’t risk discovery. Finally, he saw a flash of red light against a pine tree and turned around, sighing with relief. At the exact center of the clearing, a flickering window of blood-red light hung suspended in the air. He stared at it, once again enraptured by his recently acquired ability. The glowing crimson tendrils spiraled within the rectangular vortex, hypnotizing, beckoning. Although the portal window was the perfect size to jump through, he knew that to do so meant instant death.

The man was jolted out of his trance by a thundering voice, emanating out from the portal and echoing off the trees. “Back so soon, my accomplice?” He winced. Still under his black cloak and veiled in secrecy, talking so loudly would mean this little project would come to a screeching halt.

“Ssssh!” he whispered, furtively casting another glance around the surrounding pine trees. Is anyone coming? “Talk a little more quietly, please. We don’t want anyone else to overhear our discussion.”

“I was wondering why you had returned so soon. You just told me yesterday that nothing of much importance was happening.”

“That was before we launched another sprite.” He fumbled in his leather pouch, his fingers searching for something small and elusive. Those blasted little blighters never seem to cooperate. “The girl is getting suspicious. Our next launch will likely tip her over to our side. She may be unsuspecting for now, but she’s not an idiot.”

“Excellent. So you came here asking for permission to send one more and finish what we’ve begun.”

“Well…yes.” The black-cloaked stranger shivered. The fact that his accomplice always seemed to know what he was thinking was unsettling, to say the least. He wondered if his friend in the other realm had powers he had yet to reveal. Then, he shook off the idea with a silent laugh. Of course, they weren’t hiding anything from each other.

“According to your updates, you sent a sprite out only yesterday.” The being beyond the portal spoke again.

“That is correct.”

“Hmm…” The voice on the window’s other side seemed lost in thought. “Normally, that would be exceedingly hasty, but since she’s so close…Yes, I suppose it could be a good idea, just this once. The stakes will become so high that she’ll have to be insane to refuse our offer.”

“Exactly. There won’t be much room for error, though.” He finally found what he was looking for in his bag, and triumphantly pulled out the little wicker cage. Inside, a tiny golden winged figure – a sprite – was trapped. Drawing it close to his face, he whispered, “Just do exactly what we planned. Try not to have too much fun out there.” Springing the latch, he opened the tiny door, and the little sprite zoomed away with a cackle.

“What did you say?” said the voice behind the window.

“I was only repeating the plan to the sprite. I think we caught a good one this time. It didn’t make any fuss in my bag, although it did put up a good fight before I could catch it.”

“Excellent. Soon, our opportunity will be at hand.”

The man stooped and plucked a small white flower, twirling it between his fingertips. “But there may be a problem.”

The voice was silent for a minute. Then, it spoke again, this time quietly. “Go on.”

“There may be one of Rynveros’s spies posing at the school as well. If he manages to convince the girl to his side, all would be lost and we would have to start our search all over again.” He stroked the delicate, colorless petals, thinking about his plan and what the girl could mean for it. She was a lucky find, he thought. She has no idea that she could change a world.

“Perhaps not. If the girls in our home world are any indication, it is possible that we could still force her to join us. I find that most of them love their family and friends very much. If gentle persuasion does not work, a well-placed threat can work wonders.”

The man’s shadowed face betrayed no emotion, although he mentally winced. He didn’t want to do anything that might give the girl any doubt of his benevolence. “I’d rather we don’t threaten her. I want her to trust us.”

“All right, then. You know what to do instead.”

“Yes. She would be quite dangerous used against us.” He closed his fist, crushing the blossom’s delicate petals. “It would be better off if she was out of our way forever, in that case. If she won’t join us, I will ensure that she is killed.”

Dun dun dun!! Like it? If you read all that, here's a little treat: a graphic I made. Click for craziness!

~ Sophia-Rose